This page is dedicated to silly stuff - send in your daft ditties for us all to enjoy!

Well I never.....
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. ....
And thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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The first couple to be shown in bed together on US prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: £ 10,120.00
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents A great king from history:
Spades - King David - Hearts - Charlemagne - Clubs -Alexander, the Great - Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died
because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
Making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this
period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender
would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'mind your Ps and Qs'
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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When
they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
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At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
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Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, You can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a word are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is that the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it
wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by Istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2012 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is
now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a 9 on this list

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to! And stop trying to lick your elbow!



A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was
that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex
again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud
- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed
sleep and then the next day it starts all over again!"
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent ".
_________________________

A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table,
gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados,
no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a colleague of the husband enters
the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Matt ?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.
_________________________

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ....
Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
Because ...... She Replied ..... "I Really Miss Mine"
_________________________

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did" Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Senora...... The gardener did."
Wife: "So how much do you want?"
_________________________

A husband and wife are shopping in their local ASDA The husband picks up a case of Tennants (his lager of choice) and puts it in their trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans he replies. 'Put them back, we can't afford them' demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife. Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Tennants and it's half the price.'
_________________________

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
_________________________

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
_________________________

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin,
3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
_________________________

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
_________________________

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
_________________________

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
_________________________

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
_________________________

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
_________________________

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
_________________________

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
_________________________

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
_________________________

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
_________________________

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
_________________________

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back
as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said youíre obviously not listening.
_________________________

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
_________________________

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very
angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
_________________________

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft
if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing
_________________________

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutterí, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last
48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
_________________________

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
_________________________

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices
his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the
bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked
_________________________

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service
_________________________

Wife by text to husband at work "Windows at home frozen - what will I do?" Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"
Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all".
_________________________

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
_________________________

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
_________________________

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
_________________________

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You
want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
_________________________

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
_________________________

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent,
Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words............. B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
_________________________

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It
does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."
_________________________

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72%
said "I am not understanding the question please."
_________________________

Prince Andrew says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.
Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
_________________________

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.
_________________________

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
_________________________

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 15 pegs back.
_________________________

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disk
_________________________

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'. The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is
amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive
around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies
on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'. The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!' The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
_________________________

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God!
The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!' Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.' Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
_________________________

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!' 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone,
'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time... What if your mum was a prostitute and your
dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?' 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
_________________________

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.
Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished! It turns out that Frank had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own
housework were too tired to have sex'. The night went very well. The next day, Mary told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner.
Frank even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'
'But what about afterward?' asked her friends. 'Oh, that........... Frank was too tired.' God is good
_________________________

Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
_________________________

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in hell d'yis t'ink yer doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....
_________________________

The Irish have solved their fuel problems. They've imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.
_________________________

Paddy says to Mick, "Jeez, I'm ready for me holiday ... but this year I'm going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain - and Mary
got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks, "So what are you going to do this year?" Paddy replies, "Oi think Oi'll take her wid me!"
_________________________

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" ...
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
_________________________

Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station.
Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
_________________________

'SEX FROGS' - Only £ 20 each! Comes with complete instructions.
The Girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll take one!'
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!' the blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.

She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie..
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . ..

NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions,
please call the pet store.' So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See,
I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!' The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:
'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE .... MORE .... TIME!!!' .... TIME!!!'

CHECK OUT THIS VIDEO!


President Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each. President Obama goes first: "What will the USA be like in 100 years time"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is
non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"
Gordon Brown thinks "It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks:
"What will Britain be like in 100 years time?"
The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.
"Come on Gordon" says Obama, "Tell us what it says"
"I can't! It's all in Arabic!"

A man farts in bed and says to wife"1-0"wife farts and says "1 all"Man farts and says "2-1"Wife farts and says "2 all"
Man farts, follows through and shits the bed. Wife says "what the fuck was that"man says "half time. swap sides."

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


This guy thinks he has the best tattoo in the world! Lets hope he doesn't end up in prison...

Books

Moped

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

Puppy

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand.
I'll be at the front door when you get home from work,
wearing only what nature gave me...
Call (404) 875-6420 (404) 875-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

=========================

Husband of the year awards
The honorable mention goes to: The United Kingdom

Followed closely by... The United States of America

and then... Poland

but 3rd Place must go to... Greece

it was very very close but the runner up prize was awarded to.... Serbia

but the winner of the husband/partner of The year is Ireland. Ya gotta love the Irish.

The Irish are true romantics. Look, he's even holding her hand... Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes Sense now... Inever looked at it this way before:
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist

AND

When we have REAL trouble, It's a..HISterectomy.

=========================

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two, seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, ... ...why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no, the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah ! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

' Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese.. .doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence..

' I no rike Jews either!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

' Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic' says the co-pilot.

' What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

' Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ...no mattah...all same to me!

=========================

The Tesco Doctor
One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
' My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!'
Listen mate; don't waste your time down at the surgery, Mike replies.
There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample
and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid....a lot quicker and
better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points'.

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks'.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and 'pleasured himself' into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco,
eager to check what would happen.

He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results with a grin. The computer prints the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better....

Thank you for shopping at Tesco

=========================

The ultimate mobile phone: http://www.flixxy.com/sumsing-turbo-3000-cellphone.htm?r=0

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